Spunkrat and Night Owl are on IRC (Internet Relay Chat). Circa 1997.
Night Owl: hello, am I talking to a void?
Spunkrat: A void? My dearest, haven’t you heard? I am THE void! I had a chat with Noid, the plasterer of woid, asking, “What am I, Noid?” Noid replies, “You ARE THE void.” I respond, “Void… VOID!” Thanks, Noid, I reploid.
Night Owl: Or are you simply not reading my emails attentively…
Spunkrat: No, no, no! I read every word, even the blank bits between words. I print the email, highlight the full stops with a yellow marker, shred the rest into tatters, and religiously sacrifice the email with fire and pungent incense. ‘Attentive’ was invented because of people like me!
Night Owl: My previous tidbit email was a demonic strategy to heighten the impact of what I had already put in place… You haven’t answered any of my questions about what’s going on in your life. To reiterate…
“Hey… what’s happening?”
Spunkrat: I am here writing you an email, trying not to fall off my seat or say anything stupid that will make you disown me, and attempting not to spell every word wrong and then having to go back and fix it – HSIT!
Night Owl: Are you living in Wellington as of next week?
Spunkrat: Yes, no, maybe so! I was when you sent the original email, but now I’m not. I mean, you are. I is… Anyway, I’m now (as of today) in Wellingtown!
Today I visited three flats…
(1) Gorgeous views to the North. Awesome room, complete with cupboards, phone-line, infrared burglar alarm, and sunshine… but… three snotty-nosed hyperactive kids, and a dad who kept shouting at them. Erk – fuk dat.
(2) Villa on Ghuztnee Street (centre city) – room just big enough to hold my bed – that’s it – $90 per week, and dead lamb for breakfast – no thanks!
(3) Warehouse – top of Cuba Street – scenario: Punk opens door outwards, nearly spilling me off the stairs and down three stories of concrete and galvanized steel. Punk (wickedly stoned beyond belief): “Whoah man – sorry dude. Are you the dude who called before maaan?” Spunkrat: “No, I’m the other dude.” The punk leaps to the floor and grasps my feet, trembling. “Woah man, take the room man, you can have it. Like I do kinda realize that I’m too stoned to actually find the room, and when I finally do find it, not be able to find the light switch, and then ask you if you like, like, like smoke pot mayn? It’s cool mayn. The room’s got no windows, and the walls are made from steel, but it’s cool by us if it’s cool by you man? So will ya take the room?”
Spunkrat didn’t…
Night Owl: What have you been up to??!!
Spunkrat: The past week I’ve been staying at Maryanne’s (the blonde woman I showed you in my photo album – ex flatmate). She’s heavily into esoteric stuff (spirits, past-lives, ESP, crystals, and all that), and martial arts. The week I stayed she got thrown out of her Zen Do Kai club and had her 3rd-dan black belt taken off her. This is because she challenged to fight the world Zen Do Kai head whatsit, during the closing ceremony of the Australasian Zen Do Kai annual gradings. They were pretty pissed, and reckon she’s loopy. But she was deadly serious about it, and traditionally when the head doja (or whatever they call him), is challenged, then he must accept. So by stopping her they should actually submit defeat.
Now I’m staying with another computer nutter like me but worser – he’s making techno music on his computer as I write…
Night Owl: Yours in anticipation…Night Owl
Spunkrat: Drooling uncontrollably I hope….
So, Night Owl. You replieth to me now…. In detailed fashion, with depth and passion…
– Who the fuk ARE you?
– If you could sleep with any character from Shortland Street, who would it be?
– What is the name and author of the last book you enjoyed?
– How many tofu burgers have you eaten in the past month?
– Name one thing you can’t refuse:
– What do you wish you had the answer to?
– Are you REAL? (explain)
– Finish this sentence. “Half a pound of dakery jacks, six pints of……?
– Name three things you unintentionally destroyed today…
– What is your favourite piece of clothing and why?
– Name three sexual positions you haven’t tried yet:
– Write a poem in no more than 66 words, but no less than 33 words, that expresses your feelings towards your favourite cask of red wine…
– Write something that will REALLY shock me:
– Now write something to help me get over the shock:
– Paint a picture and send it to me.
“Thank you for filling out our survey. Your contribution will help make New Zealand a better place for us all. We will now know how many schools to build, and whether or not we should raise taxes. Actually, we might even be able to score another frigate out of this! Good on ya, maayte… Crack open another tabby – on ya. Rugby built this nation, and don’t you forget it, honey!”
Night Owl: Meanwhile, back in the jungle…. “No, Toto – it’s not what it seems. I’m just, just… just pruning it.”
Spunkrat: Swiftly changes channels…
Night Owl: “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of what can go wrong when you cross a theanderpuss with a sauerkraut sandwich. Thank you, and good night.”
OK, sober-up sonny….
Spunkrat: Oh alright….
Dear Night Owl,
Thank you for your letter. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I am having a good time in the North Island. It is sunny and warm. The people are nice. Today I went to the shop. Today I drove the car. Today I brushed my teeth. I hope you are having a good time. Have a nice day and please write again soon.
Yours sincerely,
Spunkrat